My prediction for the winner of Rockstar: Supernova
Am I the only one hopelessly addicted to the abominable car accident that is Rockstar: Supernova? (It's okay: I expect the answer to be yes.) There is so, so much wrong with it—yet I can’t help but tune in every single week.
Just what is so fantastically wrong with this show? Some might point to the most obvious: just about all of the contestants are no-talent hacks. Every woman (except for the current odds-on favorite, Dilana, and my personal favorite, Zayra) has the same burly biker babe voice—as if since they are women they must make up for that fact by sounding like they have three-pound balls rather than actual personality. It’s so “bar band” it’s maddening. I wonder if any of these women have noticed that there are absolutely no popular or iconic female rock stars that have voices so absent of, well, femininity. Even PJ Harvey or Joan Jett, both of whom are totally ass-kicking tough, are tough without mimicking men. Meanwhile, the men on Rockstar are not much better. They too—all of them, every last one of them—lack any originality whatsoever. I’m actually impressed with the CBS producers for their steadfast dedication in finding the most bland singers in the country.
And of course there are other obvious things wrong with this show, and their names are Brooke Burke and Dave Navarro. Not to mention Tommy Lee, who can’t help but act and look like a bored child forced to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be.
But these are all such easy things to pick on, and they’re not the kind of flaws that make me hate it so much that in fact I love it. The main problem with this show—this show called Rockstar, in which the contestants are supposed to act like rock stars, so they can play in a band with dudes from Metallica, Motley Crüe, and Guns and Fucking Roses—is that this show is full of pussies.
I swear, none of these contestants have a backbone. They get caught on tape whining about their critiques, and when they’re confronted about it, they just clam up and apologize. Likewise the mother
fuckers in Supernova bend over backward to point out that they’re just trying to help. They’re not trying to be mean. You know what, Supernova? Fuck you! You guys are from the three baddest-ass bands of the ‘80s and you’re afraid to be mean? You should quit trying to get everyone to come together for a group hug and start injecting yourself with a little attitude. Whatever happened to taking no prisoners, kicking ass, and flipping the bird to authority? God, but I feel like every episode of Rockstar is one big group therapy session. Who is letting these tattooed metalheads get away with all these niceties? What idiot producer at CBS can’t figure out that the whole reason that vanilla showboat American Idol works the way it does is because Simon Cowell is a dick? When the most popular show in America is less afraid to have balls than a show full of dirtheads and hessians, someone needs to get fired. This show should end in a fistfight or riot every single week. Anything less is a failure.
All this nicey-nice happened last year, too, when I was sure INXS was going to throw bouquets of roses at every wannabe they nixed each week. This season’s contestants should take note that last season the only guy that ever rocked the boat and stuck to his guns was the guy that wound up winning. That’s why I’m rooting for Zayra this season, even though I seem to be the only person in the universe that likes her. She is so bizarre, so loony, and she seems to flaunt her inability to sing on key—and hey, there’s little that’s more punk rock than that! But she stands her ground. She practically calls Gilby Clarke an asshole every single week, and I love her for it. She wears blue spandex and dances like a slutty robot Toni Basil, and I love her for it. As long as she stays on the show, Rockstar will remain my #1 guilty pleasure love-to-hate destination each week. As soon as she’s off, the whole sloppy mess of sissy bitches falls off my radar.